Declined or Accepted – Is there a Proper Ratio?

I have taken courageous steps this year by submitting to 5 publications and 1 grant. I did not get the grant, I was declined in one publication, and was accepted in another. As for the others, I’m still waiting. I also started this blog a few weeks into the pandemic because I was desperate for a sense of achievement, or progress, or purpose, or whatever feeling I could get that isn’t anxiety.

Never giving up on your dreams is a cliché because at some point, you need to hit yourself in the head and say, okay, you’re not cut out for this. I know, writing is a form of expression but some people aren’t contented with just ‘expressing’ themselves. Some people want to be read. Yes, me, I’m ‘some people’.

You win some, you lose some. I’m so used to getting rejection letters but it never gets easier. I’m trying to fool myself into having a normal day and not thinking about it. That’s wrong. I have to mourn. I created something and it’s just not good enough to be published. I can be a little sad. Cry for about five minutes and keep typing again.

second rejection of the year

And then there are small victories that lifted me up from the losing streak.

But, I still have to ask myself: how do I know that I need to keep on going? And how do I know that it’s just time to settle and that I’ll just be a (kawaii?) potato all my life?

And is being an unpublishable potato such a bad thing?

💜 Dyne

My Reading and Writing Space

Before the Community Quarantine, my room was a consistent mess. I often worked in coffee shops or in the university library so I didn’t find the need to fix my setup. Cabin fever got the best of me and now I’m obsessed with cleaning and rearranging my room.

My room’s small and I have a lot of plushies: Pokèmons, Doraemon, BT21 (RJ! Seokjin is 💜🌼) and shibas. So I got rid of them. Okay, not really. I stacked them inside the cabinet and created a space that would help me read and write in peace.

I did not do a full-blown Marie Kondo-esque spree because the last time I did that, I relapsed into a Miniso shopping panic and ended up with way more than the original clutter. So the plushies stayed and here’s my space:

I also moved some of the books from the living room to my dedicated workspace.

I realized I have more guy friends from girls…

I made use of all that Instax pictures I kept for years. I miss my friends and traveling. 🥺 All the traveling I can do now is through words.

I cleared another shelf. This used to be stacked with clutter like skin care and makeup. Stowed all the makeup for now. It’s not like I can go out or anything. But skincare stays, of course.

And here’s a picture of my dog looking like he remembered a joke from five years ago. Or is he amused that I’m cleaning my room?

Hope you’re all well! I think I’ll do some cleaning again.

💜 Dyne

Escapism, Privilege, and Reading

Hello! How’s everybody doing? Hope you’re all doing well… or at least coping enough to get by.

I went to the grocery store to get supplies because I’ve been thinking of making Japanese Cotton Cheesecake for weeks now. Anyway, when I did get the ingredients, I decided not to bake. Looks like the cream cheese will end up on my toast instead. Hehe.

Metro Manila dramatically changed over the past few months. It’s unsettling. Poverty is unsettling. Privilege makes me feel guilty. I’ve been working remotely since January, I quit my job in the academe because of my ‘promotion’ (or lack thereof). I started working in a startup and saw how an employee deserves to be treated. Not everyone can leave a dead end job. I‘m in a constant state of guilt and paranoia – oscillating between toxic positivity and impending doom.

any ARMYs here?

So why didn’t I bake? Because I picked up a book and read. I’m still reading Ursula K. Le Guin’s The Dispossessed. I think it’s been a month since I started reading it and I’m still at chapter 4. The pandemic didn’t help my reading habits. It completely ruined it. I guess, it’s just one of the small things that went down the drain. But I’m trying. I’m listening to the audiobooks while arranging my island in Animal Crossing. Which reminds me: you might want to add me. Here’s my friend code: SW-0443-0198-5228.

please add me!

After a few paragraphs of Le Guin, I picked up my Switch and played again. It’s one of the few things that make sense right now. I mean, I know that it’s starting to become unhealthy. It’s the purest form of escapism right now that has the least potential to harm. But still escapism nonetheless. But you can escape with your friends. Hihi. That’s the best part.

Let’s pretend the pandemic isn’t happening as long as we have adorable background music.

Reading gives me the same feeling. Or at least, it used to. My reading habit went downhill when I started looking at it from an academic point of view. During my undergrad in Physics, there was a clear demarcation line between leisure and study. I love literature but I’m also working hard for my MFA degree, where does leisure begin and academics end? I can’t read anything without thinking in terms of ‘how can I write like this?’ or something like ‘how can I use this structure in my work?’

So there, what used to be an escape for me became something I am escaping from.

too tired to function

Please take care of yourselves! Love, Dyne 💜🥺